I hope you keep writing, because I'll probably keep reading. Not a lot else to say about it, except that I'm looking forward to them going hard at Danzo when they realize he isn't going to give them shit.
in regards to Naruto, who they immediately assume is a permanent idiot in an environment where appearances can mean everything.Īkatsuki stuff is working well. Kakashi+Naruto+Iruka is kind of fun seeing them all play off of each other, but I'd expect better from them as far as seeing underneath the underneath etc. Kiba+Choji+Yagura is an interesting combination, and I've been looking forward to seeing where it goes. The plot itself is interesting overall, and you're doing a good job with weaving the storylines together.
Grammar and spelling are solid for the most part, but sometimes sentences feel like they run on too long or are entirely unnecessary. Oh, and Obito is a giant douchebag to everyone and I'm not really sure where Rin's malfunction is in regards to him.Ĭartoonishly evil Danzo is kind of weird, especially because we know out of story that he can and has used chakra in the past, same as Obito, and can't tell if they still can or that's been changed due to AU. To be fair, maybe that's because he's always a giant stick in the mud anyway. Sasuke, on the other hand, doesn't feel at all like a kid. Just feels like she really got the short end of the stick there. Related, what's up with Tenten? "TenTen, being the sheep that she was, had simply followed suit." Whoookay. By and large, they feel like kids, which if Sakura has been training with Tsunade she should be a lot more mature. Ino seems to be a somewhat ditzy idiot who spends 90% of her time talking about butts, and Sakura isn't a whole lot better. I spent a lot of time feeling unable to pick out which ages the characters are at in relation to each other. On the other hand, ninja, especially anyone high-level, have so many ways to deal with large numbers of people or simply avoid head-on conflict that the whole premise sort of stretched my suspension of disbelief.Ĭharacterization was probably where I had most of my problems with this story. On the one hand, they're basically the only way to deal with ninja. I'm not really sure what to think of the addition of guns to the story.
The distractions it caused me were not worth the additions to the story. The addition of Jesus to the story weirded me out not just because of the portrayal of faith inside of a prison environment which was admittedly kind of interesting, but because every time I saw the words "God Squad" and "Jesus" I remembered that I was reading fanfiction and why was a real-world thing being put in again? Similarly for the mentioning of Shawshank Redemption. I'll give you some thoughts here.įirst, I'm going to complain a lot, because that's what I do for whatever reason. All right, I read the first chapter, left and then came back about a day later and read all the way through.
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